Lonely when together

For some reason I feel it’s over even before it begins. I am caught between the maze of my emotions and reasoning; for which I delay with you. “I am an annoying douchebag!”

It’s not that I don’t think you could be the one, nor the fact that you are much of what I prayed for, just that the person I was then is probably gone now, I am considering the other option. I may be prone to that decision but truly deep inside you are the kind of person that I wished for.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings, I don’t want to be the ex in the black news, I can’t live with that. I am afraid of the circumstances that would soon befall us, the distance, physical, that my racing heart may not be able to cover, that, very soon to occupy the emotional space between us. But we are not even together yet but I feel it over between us.

Truly I’m just afraid, afraid to follow my guts, afraid to loose control of my urges. I am afraid to be with you. I am afraid for what will become of me without you. All the choices no one would hold my hand to make. The choices that may lead to my doom. The urge for something different or something else that makes all other joys irrelevant. I could live in that moment but to what end my darling.

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