Must I be the one?

What the heck is this feeling, I’m lost between desperation and insufficiency. It’s helpless to say, I’m marooned in a swell of emotions that I cannot withstand. I am afraid, i am afraid for what is to come. See, I am a proponent for God’s timing, I still am, but I feel like I may have missed something, I’m lacking resources, I’m lacking time.

To be accepted into your dream school under the unseemly of circumstances ( which I believe was the miraculous hand of God) yet having to defer the year and probably another which would make the slot invalid, the world is spinning, I wasn’t not dealt the golden spoon, there’s nothing reversible about.

I can’t change my beginning, but I am sitting wishing upon the stars that things were different, that maybe by twist of fate thing should suddenly become Affluent, that I would be able to afford that much.

I am afraid that all my friends will move on and leave me behind, that I’m not learning as much, that I am not favorited as much to my boss, that the things I’m wishing for would not come to pass. I’m losing a pedestal on which I could pivot to greater heights.

Must all this joy amount to nothing?

Must all the effort and hope become my despair?

Must I have to be the one sitting, watching as time passes me by?

Must I be the one?

~from the place of desperation~

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